With winter starting to threaten the complete end of the riding season, I need to get back on track with some general ramblings. Now that I am more than half way through the third year of dealing with this, some of the impacts are different from what they were when this journey started. I haven’t given just a post about the thoughts that run through my head in a long time. I will make this post one that is just me typing away the things that are running through my mind.
Things are not always as they seem.
Many Cancer patients will hide behind an outer shell so that nobody else knows the impact that they have felt. It is not until the constant barrage of treatments and procedures wears down the outer façade that protects the majority of the public from how I really feel.
This means, I have been kinda grumpy lately.
Maybe it is because the winter is creeping up on us and my most enjoyable mode of transportation will be put into hibernation soon (not right away, in case we get some heat waves), or that it has been well over 2 years since my world was dumped upside down, and I am still unable to try and figure out a new list of future goals (and how to achieve them). I didn’t get to achieve a large number of the short term goals I had set for myself over the summer – most notably, I was unable to ride more km this year than I did last year. There were many other things that I wanted to do that I was unable to. This is a frustrating position to be in. I try not to commit to very many things because I don’t want to fail to achieve commitments, but if I don’t commit – do I try as hard to achieve? This is a mind game to which there is no winner.
Sense of ha-ha
It is challenging to maintain a positive mental outlook. Recently I have had a couple of discussions with some people about how they feel like a tool when they have to sit and watch Mrs do all the work around them, and they are unable to help; or how can you maintain your sanity from your chair all day? Recently my challenges have been sleep based… for quite awhile I was going pretty good, every second night would be a good nights sleep…. Lately – maybe one a week, when my body is just exhausted, this probably doesn’t help the first point about being grumpy. I try to do some of the get ready for winter yard work.. put lawn chairs in shed…. It took 5 minutes of effort, and then 10 minutes of sitting on the edge of the deck until I caught my breath again. This is frustrating.
Once in a row is not a winning streak
Like sports teams, the trick with being a Cancer patient is to get the good news – scopes, procedures, and tests etc, to be consecutive. I had my first good news event a couple of months ago, and the event to follow it comes up next month. I want to maintain a positive attitude, but I also need to maintain a realistic attitude. I don’t know the date of my next scope, but I have the dates for next 3 treatments; which also means that I know the impacts, and when they will hit. I think that will impact my sense of humour too. But, back to the winning streak comment… how many in a row is a streak? And yes, I am aware and “once in a row” isn’t really a thing.
I always try to know what the best case scenario could be, but don’t count on it. Being a military guy, who worked as a planner, you will always keep in the back of your mind the 3 main scenarios – the best case, the worst case, and the most likely – during the entire process. Knowing that reality will be somewhere in between, helps you know what course corrections would be used when things start to drift away from the plan. I think that this actually helps me keep a realistic attitude, which means that I don’t fall off a pedestal when the best case scenario doesn’t happen.
I am having some motivational issues.
Last year, I had a bunch little projects in various stages of planning. Some worked out, many didn’t – for a number of reasons. I have considered completely walking away from all charity work that I do, and just become a participant, not an organizer. I functioned in almost every capacity helping execute events – from just a mentor/advisor, to the right hand man who did all the work… I don’t know what capacity I want to be next year. Those decisions will come in the next few months I think.
Last year, I was just working on some online courses that have turned this blog into a website, I am still working on them, just at a greatly reduced pace. The biggest difference is that this year, I don’t feel motivated to work on the projects, start any new ones or anything. I don’t know if the frustration from the length of time that I have been dealing with this has impacted my desire to do a bunch of things. Last year, I was looking at trying to figure out what I might try to do when I grow up to get a real job. Now this year, I am no closer to solving that little conundrum, nor am I any closer to knowing when I will need to action it….. that could be what is instigating this funk that I am in.
I am working on figuring out all the analytics, statistics, and gazintas, to help me decide if I want to make any big pivots with the blog/website and other media channels. This winter will help me develop a strategy to implement. I don’t know what the changes will be, but I am thinking that I will make some pretty substantial changes I think. I will make a blog post in a couple of weeks about my initial impressions.
As always, thanks for following along on this journey. Sorry I am not a better tour guide, but I really don’t know where this path will take us…. Which is the adventure – right?